08 March 2006

Absolut Krapitz

I suppose I'm too easily annoyed, but even still... Sydney has suddenly been afflicted with billboards and posters adorned with the image of one of the most annoying people in show business. It's the egregious Lenny Kravitz, who as far as I'm concerned has never demonstrated a good reason for existing, let alone for being let loose in a recording studio with a six-figure budget.

Oh, wait, stupid me; he has a dad or an uncle or somesuch in high places in the record biz, that's why his smirking puss and his even smirkier "music" have been getting pushed on an undeserving public for what seems like several decades now. And before you point out that the Strokes are pretty much the same deal, I'd like to say that while I'm no Strokes-lover (barely even a Strokes-tolerator), at least the Strokes have been able to come up with (or pay someone to come up with) some reasonably coherent tunes, whereas Kravitz has gotten by on little more than bombast and third-rate Hendrix ripoffs.

I once got in a snarly, almost friendship-ending argument with someone who actually thought Kravitz was talented. And if you want to point out that he can play guitar about a hundred times better - or at least faster - than yours truly, I'll have to agree with you, but that is a skill, not a talent. Talent involves using your skill to create something that is worth listening to.

Anyway, the fact that Kravitz has now lent his unpleasant mug to flogging Absolut Vodka might be a hopeful sign that his "musical" career is finally petering out. Traditionally artists have only resorted to crass commercialism when they're trying to get started or when they're washed up. But since Kravitz had never gone in for anything but crass commercialism, I suppose that's a vain hope.

It almost makes me want to start drinking again just so I could boycott Absolut Vodka for inflicting this offence against decency and taste on the public. And speaking of which, I unfortunately already own an iPod or I would be boycotting them, too, for their TV ad which seems to air about every ten minutes here in Australia. It's one of those squiggly line drawings that's supposed to make the iPod look all hip and cool, which is bad enough, but this particular one is accompanied by a frenetic series of squeaks and squawks that are supposed to represent some sort of "jazz" music, I guess, and are probably aimed at making white people who know even less about jazz than I do, think that they can purchase some hipster jazz cred along with their overpriced Walkman, I mean iPod.

Not that Mr Jobs or whoever is responsible for these excrescences is going to pay any attention to my opinion, but just in case someone is: every time that ad comes on, I race for the remote control and switch the station before it gives me a headache or causes me to put a shoe through the TV screen. Even the few seconds I see of it causes me to think evil things about iPods and the people who own them, and makes me want to take those dangling white earphone cords and use them to strangle Wynton Marsalis, the "jazz" man responsible for the aforementioned squeaks and squawks. In fact, I just may refuse to listen to my iPod all day tomorrow in protest. Or maybe just stop watching TV, which would make more sense anyway.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm....Andy Warhol, Keith Haring, Kenny Scharf, Helmut Newton, Donald Sultan....all artists commissioned to interpret their vision of Absolut. Now Lenny Kravitz? I'd say he's in good company and not fizzling out.

Larry Livermore said...

Obviously we have very different ideas about what constitutes "good company."

jesikaland said...

You forget a quality even more key for product advancement than talent, or even skill. I'm not so sure millions of women listen to Kravitz for those factors exactly. I think it has more than a little to do with the whole sex appeal factor.

I certainly wouldn't turn down a romp in his bed.

Larry Livermore said...

Ewwwwwwww!!

Jenna Alive said...

Have you ever noticed the Lenny Kravitz's songs rarely consist of more than one or two lines repeated over and over and over?

Also, I'm going to have to second Larry's "Eeeeeeeeew" in consideration of having any sexual contact with the dude who apparently has hired the costume designer from Predator as a stylist.