27 January 2009

Bret Michaels And His Hair

Ever since I started this blog - and long before that, when I used to publish my magazine - I always struggled to find and maintain the right balance between "serious" commentary and the more frivolous side of life and pop culture.

The people who are mainly interested in politics would complain when I wrote about some "silly" punk rock band, and the music fans would bitch at me if I had too much of that "boring" politics. And of course nobody ever bothered to tell me when, at least in their opinion, I had gotten it just right.

But quite a few people read this blog, so I figured I couldn't be doing too badly. Until, that is, I did a little research and found out exactly what people were reading when they stopped by here.

Well, as it turns out, THE most popular topic, BY FAR, on a scale of about 50-1, is an item I wrote nearly a year ago called Does Bret Michaels Wear Hair Extensions? In fact, not only is it the most popular item on this site, it also comes up as one of the top ten sites on THE WHOLE INTERNET if you do a search for "Bret Michaels Hair." "Bret Michaels Hair Extensions?" Numero Uno.

So, not that I want to put on airs or anything, but it is a bit humbling to be regarded as one of the world's leading experts on Mr. Michaels' hair (or, if the overriding weight of public opinion is taken at face value, the lack thereof) when a) I've never met the guy or even seen him in person; b) I've only seen his TV show one and a half times ever; c) All I did was ask a single innocent question, namely, what was he keeping hidden under that do-rag of his?

But looking back at how the Bret Michaels hair saga has played out, it seems as though my innocent question may have snowballed into an internet-wide wave of public inquiry that finally forced Mr. Michaels, less than a month later, to acknowledge that his bandana concealed a mixture of "my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." Which was a great relief to his many fans who'd been living in fear that the over-the-hill rocker might have been sporting tacky American extensions.

Naturally, there were those who weren't willing to let Bret's forthright admission stand, instead insisting that those weren't extensions at all, but a full-fledged wig. I personally stayed out of this controversy, having lost all interest in Bret Michaels, his hair and/or his television show shortly after making my original post.

However, once it came to my attention what a vital role I had played in uncovering one of the great cultural mysteries of our time, I found it incumbent on me to check up on Mr. Michaels' progress by tuning into an episode of his new series, which seems to be operating on the same premise as last year except that this year he and the skanky hos are, for reasons that haven't become clear to me yet, traveling around the country on a big ugly tour bus.

But Bret is still supposedly hot stuff, and the "girls" are still as willing as ever to demean themselves for the dubious privilege of being pawed by him, and the only other thing I noticed before fast forwarding to Sober House was Bret rejecting a gift as being insufficiently flash. "Doesn't she realize I'm a rock star?" he mused aloud, and I'm like dude, that was 20 years ago! At least! Nowadays I think you'll have to settle for being a novelty act with a extensive line of do-rags. And the finest extensions Europe has to offer.


Man of Infirmity said...

Ha! I specifically recall explaining Rock of Love to you. It was almost right after I was told that I was a worse person than Bret Michaels.

Larry Livermore said...

Yes, you are right; you were the first person to explain Bret Michaels to me! Have you managed to parlay being worse than him into a lucrative career yet?

Kristina said...

This is your finest blog to date!